Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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