So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
