My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
