fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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