OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Church boner. Awkwardddd
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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