someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Tell her she can't have a vagina
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
No...this little piggys going to the bar
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
