i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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