I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
