I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
