Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
