Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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