hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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