I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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