he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Randomize
