My brain says no but my pants say off.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
