he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
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