in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
A bitchslap is in order.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
