hell yes lets make some ravioli
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
