I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
