How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
