I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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