New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
