Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
My life is pants optional.
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