someone get that fucking seahorse.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
