Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
