I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
