I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
