I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
