Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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