Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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