Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
