Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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