i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
