a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
