I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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