can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
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