I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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