I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
