sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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