It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
