im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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