dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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