Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
