im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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