we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
