his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
