I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
you win again, gameday.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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