a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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