Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I'm too high and old for this...
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
