Is it normal to miss your booty call?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
