he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
My bed smells like the plague
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
